Gild the Lily

 I'm calling homeschool over, y'all! May 17th--I quit! Whoop!

I turned in the last learning log tonight, and Jubal and Luke had their violin and cello recital yesterday. In the morning, we are going in to sign the papers for our house closing. And then I think we might have a day before driving to Missouri to look at potential places to live.
So this is what has happened, and it probably sounds crazy when you compare it to the last post I made:
Joe is giving up his position as the manager. This is a big, honking deal. It comes at a great cost to him--basically, he did it for me. He gave up his managerial spot for me and the kids, and because he wants out of the city bad enough. He's still trying to figure out if he has regrets or not (say a prayer for him). Good news/bad news? They won't let him resign completely (I think a bit of a relief to him), so instead he will be working remotely, whatever that means in the future. Basically, it means to me we can move anywhere we want and settle down.
I keep trying to explain to myself and others that we are not city people--like, we really, really are not comfortable living in the city, even though it's got every convenience.

Are we mountain people, then? Maybe, because I'm as scared as heck to think about actually living in Missouri. But it's affordable. And grandmas are there. This is why I was gunning for that little ranch house on 40 acres. But maybe we are flip-flopping (as we do), trying to see all the good angles of potential homes. Joe talks a big talk about fishing and hunting and messing around on four-wheelers. (This is a vote for Missouri.) These are all things we haven't done much of, ever (not on our own property, that is), and not likely something we could afford to do in Colorado. 
But the deeper truth is, I 'm scared of bringing up Missouri as a potential place to land. I do want to be near grandmas, but I am scared of living near my in-laws. They have some major problems I don't want to be involved in. And I don't want their eyes on us, or them guilting me for raising my kids as I see fit. It makes my guts hurt to think about it, but I'm trying not to indulge in doom-dreams.

We are mountain flowers, unaccustomed to real summer or mud. Bugs, snakes, you name it. Will we adapt? As a girl growing up there, I would get hives from mosquito bites. What are we thinking?!
But we haven't even committed to Missouri, so I shouldn't be so worried. And Missouri has lots of people I love, so it will be okay if we go there, too. But I keep looking at the realtor listings in western Colorado, because I love it over there. Mountains, a little desert-y, secluded... 

These are the things I go back and forth on, because I'm a back and forth person. I lived up on that mountain for a long time and it was almost unbearable to do it on my own. But I did it, and I could do it again. I've had many hard conversations with Joe about needing to make a change. I mean, I pretty much swore I'd never homeschool again and then this year happened and it threw me for a big loop. We've talked and I've tried to explain how important it is for me to have public school plus a daddy for my kids who doesn't love work more than us. Our kids need friends. We don't even have a church at this point.
We've discussed our neighbor situation and the kid that lives across the street and does dumb things we don't want our kids to be around. (For the record, our other neighbors are amazing. Glenn and Julie are the new ones to the south and they're adorable--they carry their chickens around like babies.) 
We love having all sorts of friends. I just ran into Fumiko (Ethan's mom) today. She's the funniest person in the world. My friend Dat was the first to text me a Happy Mother's Day. Lilly will probably clean my house when we move out.
These aren't terribly close friends of mine, but the point is, I love them. I love knowing people who have super different life experiences than my own. I wish we could live in a place where we'd see the same people on the regular and it might serve as encouragement to us (and us to them).

I don't really like the idea of starting all over, because it is a big deal. I don't like how stress leads me to throwing my hands in the air and forfeiting everything just to get a clean slate. 
But maybe it's how God moves us into a new place.

Just to give an idea on how the homeschooling has been going: 
We taught the kids how to play poker. And spoons. They sometimes play this in the middle of the day. Otherwise, they read and play music and beg me to do minecraft.
I think they're actually going to be fine, it's just their handwriting that gives me the heebie jeebies.

Send help so I stop talking myself in circles. Also, I'm thankful to God for prayers lifted up on our behalf, because for a few weeks there, I wasn't in good shape. I know wherever we end up, it'll be great.